5. Meat Liquor, Charlotte Street - Deep Fried Pickles with Blue Cheese Dip

This entry has taken FOREVER to write and I'll tell you why. 

You know those comedy gigs where the comedian is less than good? Probably just me, but when they're dying on stage, I try really hard to laugh encouragingly. To save their feelings. Like their mum would. However, if I'm still not laughing, despite being really open to it, I feel personally let down.

That's how I feel about Meat Liquor. I was super excited, I wanted to love it, I was let down.

Another no reservations policy means a long wait. No leaving your number and going off for a stroll; you want to eat, you commit. My tips: get there early and get there together. Unless you want to do that heart-breaking walk to the back to join your late (possibly soon-to-be-ex) friends or sit alone at the bar while they catch up. 

They don't leave you stranded though. The complimentary, al-fresco onion rings (the size of your face!) keep you going. 

Look at 'em, the big oniony beasts.

Getting inside is like being hit in the face by an episode of Man v Food; all dingy lighting, graffitied walls and loud rock. I liked it, although the hunger from queuing combined with the sensory overload of the interior means my memory arrives in that patchy way a good night out does. The extensive cocktail list (can recommend the Donkey Punch - zesty) probably had a role to play too.

On our personal menu (already decided in the queue - efficient); the super-hyped Dead Hippy burger, the Dirty Chicken burger, Chilli Cheese fries and, of course, the Deep Fried Pickles as The List dictated. 


The burger is your all-American double patty-cheese-gherkin affair and filthy-good looking. However, that first bite took a while - the meat was well and truly done. Four or five bites in and there was no determinedly laughing through it; it definitely tasted like your all-American Big Mac. And the chicken burger? KFC in a bun.

The dirty virtue of the chilli cheese fries, which were just plain heart-attack-tasty, kept the disappointment at bay (I do love a soggy chip and when has a dish of meat, cheese and fried potato ever disappointed?). It would have been that one good joke of the evening that elicits a genuine snort. 

Looked good...

So The List. The golden, batter-y cases on those Deep Fried Pickles promised so much. But inside were skinny, little slithers of pickle in soggy batter, accompanied by a side of lumpy dip. Maybe they're on the list for the novelty factor but now I've had them once, I'm over it. On the other hand, if you don't care for pickles, this is the dish for you. 

So all a bit controversially average. We tried to laugh all the way through but by the end it was a disappointing, meaty 'meh'. I couldn't even find the enthusiasm to write about it.

However, none of this stopped us from demolishing the lot and we left a little meat-drunk. So much so, my sister walked into a window. 

Highlight of the evening.

For £22 for 2 people, you really can't complain and, thinking back, I might have judged the place by the wrong standards - this is not a posh, gourmet burger place; it's a 'here's your food now shovel it into your pie-hole' kind of place.  Never to be defeated, I will definitely be returning, just armed with a tiny bit more perspective. Hold the pickles.

Meat licked.

4. Burger & Lobster, Mayfair - Lobster Roll, £20

Jay Rayner recently wrote in the Observer that people who take ages to choose what to eat off the menu just don’t really like food.

Sorry Jay, I disagree.

I have difficulty choosing because I want EVERYTHING. It does make for some dawdling but you'll just have to deal with it and wait patiently.

However, I’m liking this time-saving trend towards limited menus – makes my life easier. Burger and Lobster is one of these. It does exactly what it says on the tin, no messing about: come here, eat a burger or lobster.... or a lobster roll, as The List demands. All of it £20 with fries and salad. Easy.

With the no reservation policy for parties less than 6 and visiting on a Friday night, the Pillock and I were prepared for a wait – 2 hours as it turned out. However, unlike places like Meat Liquor, you don’t have to prove your commitment by queueing and can give them your number and wander off in search of a distraction from the hunger. We ended up in a not-so-nearby pub for a starter of beer and crisps.

After an hour and a half, when all conversation had been replaced with hunger-rage, we decided to head back to beg for a table. Thankfully, we got a place to wait at the bar where we found out we could eat. It helps to be charming but it could have been the unfocused, hunger-crazed glint in my eye that convinced the nice door lady to let us in before she lost a limb.

Despite the nondescript exterior, inside, the restaurant felt very New York with high tables and booths (an opinion based entirely on Sex and the City episodes) and the bar seats turned out to be pretty nice, despite (read: thanks to) the occasional refreshing spritz of runaway cocktail.

But anyway, the lobster roll - a kind of amalgamation of burger and lobster. Blobster if you will.

I was happy to oblige The List's demand. Being a bit uncultured, I’ve not had lobster in lobster-form before and perched at a bar is not the place to start. I made Pillock get the burger for the sake of balance. Check out the spread:

The one that looks like a burger is the burger

Succulent chunks of lobster in a Japanese mayonnaise-y sauce wrapped up in a brioche bun. It was good. REALLY good. The wait beforehand meant that it barely touched the sides on the way down, but the bits that did tasted rich and delicious. I instantly regretted agreeing to swap dinners with the Pillock halfway through.

I won't linger on the burger. It was as good as expected (that is, very) but 2012 seems to be the year of the burger and I’ve had better for less. Honest Burger in Brixton Village holds the best burger position in my heart.

Conclusion: go here for the lobster. For 20 quid, you get a whole load of very tasty food.

My only very minor complaint: what’s with serving food on paper? I hate finishing a meal to find you have a hole left with no sign of the paper that once filled it...